The Family Bed Defended© Part II

It's instinct for a mother and baby to be near each other. Mother nature intended it that way to ensure the babe survives. Can you imagine a mother a million years ago leaving her baby in another part of the cave to sleep? The child would probably die from the cold, or get eaten by a predator. We don't live in caves now but human instinct has not changed. Our babies don't know what year it is, what century we live in. Nor do they care. All they know is that they need their mother and as mothers we should not ignore their needs.

Maria Montessori said that "If you want to understand the needs of the child, observe and study the child." It isn't hard to realize that your child needs you at night as well as during the day. How confusing to a child to be hugged and kissed, have their needs and wants attended to during the day, only to be pushed away at night. Your child's cries, nightmares, and fears of the dark are reminders that they are not meant to be left alone. When a child is left to "cry it out" in his or her own bed the parent may assume that the child has learned to sleep alone. What the child has really learned is that their cries were not answered. Their needs not met. And what appears to be a well-adjusted child sleeping in her own bed may be a child that has learned not to ask for help.

Some parents fear the child will never choose to leave the family bed and sleep on his own. Should we never carry our babies for fear they will never walk? Shall we put them on the potty at birth for fear they'll never outgrow diapers, or should we even skip the potty for fear they'll never use toilet? Children grow up and leave soon enough. Why do we feel the need to push them out? "Society has taken away the right of a baby to be dependent on its mother." (The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin) But what about safety? It is important to keep babies safe. The CPSC sites strangulation and suffocation as reasons for keeping babies out of adult beds. They didn't, however, mention how many babies died from this same cause in cribs during the same time frame.

How do parents have a safe family bed? Keep pillows and thick blankets off the bed. 15 of the deaths sited by the CPSC were caused by blankets and pillows. This same danger exists in a crib. Make sure the baby can't slip between the mattress and the wall. Keep all furniture like bedside tables away from the bed so that if the child rolls off the bed he/she can't get lodged between the bed and furniture. Check headboards and footboards for safety. If there are bars, make sure that the child can't get her head stuck between them. Check that the mattress fits the frame well and that it fits tightly with the headboard and footboard. Don't take drugs; even some over the counter drugs can make you less aware of your baby. Don't drink alcohol. If the bed is against the wall, make sure it is firmly against the wall. Babies can fall between them and suffocate. I check the bed is tight against the wall every night, without fail. And never take a baby or child to bed with you if you sleep in a waterbed or have a feather bed. Don't sleep with babies or small children on couches or sofa beds either. Many children have died in cribs. "There are no statistics comparing the number of SIDS deaths that occurred in bed vs. the number that occurred in the crib. Until those statistics are known, the CPSC should not tell parents not to sleep with their babies," -Dr. William Sears. It is unlikely that a parent will roll over on a baby and smother it unless the parent is using drugs, alcohol, or is in some way unable to arouse from sleep normally. Babies have built in alarm systems that arouse them if their air is reduced. Have you ever had a baby out on a windy day? The young baby panics quickly when the wind blows in their face and they can't breath. A baby that is choking will also react alarmingly. If you happen to roll on your baby, you would be awakened by a startled baby, instinct having kicked in, crying from the discomfort. Another reason why it's unlikely you'll roll over on your baby is that adults sleep in beds without rails. Do we fall off the bed? I don't. You have the same ability to stay off your baby.

At the risk of sounding sexist, I'll say that I believe mothers, in many cases, are more aware of baby at night than fathers. Mother nature has it that mothers do most of the baby care while fathers hunt for food. We had our baby sleep between me and the wall and daddy slept on the outer edge. Dr. William Sears insists that it's far safer for babies to sleep with their parents than to not sleep with them. Crib-related death takes more babies each year than deaths caused by the family bed. Family bed deaths are an average of 64 per year while crib-related deaths take about 2500.

I wonder why the CPSC and JPMA are not interested in making the family bed a safe environment. I wonder why the two organizations have teamed up in the first place. Could it be to get us to buy more cribs? I hope not. The JPMA is a multi-million dollar industry that stands to profit from scared parents running out and buying cribs. How accurate is the data that the CPSC is using to support their claim that the family bed is unsafe? "There is disturbing advertisement evidence that the information upon which these definitive claims are made is incomplete, unreliable and misguided. The CPSC's data was collected from death certificates, coroner's reports and other anecdotal sources. Circumstances surrounding the deaths, such as parental intoxication, are not recorded in these records. In addition, the determination of the cause of death is often subjective and is not always consistent even in comparable situations. In many areas of the country, infants who may have died from SIDS or other physical ailments in the parental bed are often recorded as cases of overlying."-iVillage/ParentsPlace.com

I want the CPSC to do an unbiased report of the different kinds of sleeping arrangements available. And they need to do it independently of JPMA. Parents don't need to be scared into spending money on a crib. They need to know that they can trust the reports of the CPSC. If you want to practice the family bed, make it a safe environment and enjoy the company of your babies. If you don't feel comfortable with it then get a safe bed for your baby and put it close to your bed.

Remember to follow your instincts, be safe, and enjoy your children.

EDITORS COMMENT: My daughter is just over 3 and shes ALWAYS been in my bed. Ever since she was born and my naturally strong maternal instincts kicked in, I just couldn’t do anything but have her in my bed. Its so much easier when they wake up for nightly breastfeeds too. Its so natural to have baby/toddler close to you. I urge all mothers who suppress this natural instinct to think again. Like Karen who wrote the article, I was afraid of SIDS. Even though my daughter isn’t vaccinated, which is definitely the major contributing factor to SIDS, there has been so much press about SIDS that I would have been terrified to look in the cot in the morning. Also if you are breastfeeding, the first months, at least 8 or 9, breastfeeding as much as baby wants at night is very normal. As a rule its only bottle fed babies who sleep longer, or even sleep through cos they are artificially filled up with something that will never match mothers milk, is hard to digest, will most probably make them fat (no, its NOT puppy fat, its, erm FAT to be totally blunt)and is damn unhealthy especially if a baby is vaccinated on top of this. No wonder kids nowadays are getting fatter and fatter and sicker and sicker…. Anyway, rant over…so yes, my daughter is still in bed with me, I still breastfeed her (once before she goes to sleep and once in the morning) and I have no idea when this will stop at the mo. The breastfeeding or her sleeping in my bed. Whenever she/I mutually decide it will happen. Im in no rush. She is a content, happy, confident little girly with a sparkling personality and I love her and how we live with all my heart and soul.

For Part I: The Family Bed Defended Part I